Wednesday, September 23, 2009

What's That Got To Do With the Price of Fetish Fettuccine?

While reading this list of the top 20 most bizarre Craigslist ads, I became fascinated by a listing searching for a "Woman to sit in my bathtub full of noodles, wearing a bathing suit." It reads:
  • I will pay you $1 USD to sit in my bathtub full of noodles while you wear a one piece bathing suit.
  • I will not be home, nor will anyone else while you do this.
  • I will leave the key for you, and you will sit at your leisure.
  • I will require at least a 5 minutes stay.
  • A neighbor will watch the front door from across the street and using a supplied stopwatch, will time your entry and departure.
  • Please supply your own footwear.
  • The noodles will be cooked, and therefore slippery.
  • DO NOT bring any sauce. I will season the pasta after I return home prior to dinner.
I love this ad, presuming it was genuine, although I realize that is unlikely. Firstly, this person is admitting to an unusual fetish and seeking a way to fulfill it. Secondly, he/she has considered the bathtub sitter's need for privacy, or perhaps has a very specific fantasy of what the woman in the bathtub looks like, and rather than spoil the imagined scene, he/she has decided that just knowing a woman was in the bathtub full of noodles is enough.

Past that, the details have been considered, like loaning a stopwatch to the neighbor (how did that conversation go?). A one piece bathing suit is a must, though I would have also requested full body hair removal and a swimming cap. Also, the diner will be seasoning the pasta, so it is imperative that although the bathtub sitter may be compelled to bring her own sauce, she should NOT do so. If I was the woman in the bathtub, I know I would have wanted to bring my own vodka tomato cream sauce, so it's important to know that the pasta, prior to seasoning, should be woman-flavored only.

The stumbling block in the plan is that the hopeful diner is only willing to pay $1 to the pasta woman. Unless this is her fetish too, why would anyone answer this ad? Is it naive and/or selfish of me to think that people should be willing to pay a premium for having their most secret desires fulfilled? It seems like an entire bathtub of fetish fettucine (or similar) is worth at least $100, even $1000.

There's something interestingly cocky about offering a single dollar. On the one hand, I can't help but feel that it devalues everyone who provides a unique fetish-based service. On the other, the single dollar may indicate that this person believes that a woman in a bathtub full of noodles is either a common occurrence or it's his/her God-given right to be granted such a thing. Isn't that the epitome of confidence that fetish communities aim to inspire? That what we like and want is normal and acceptable and completely within reason as part of our experience as human beings? After all, the woman would sit in the bathtub of her own free will. My brain just can't get to why she would do this for free.

We live in a world where some people will pay good money to see fully-clothed women hug balloons and step on things because that's what turns them on. And that's just on film. If that was my fetish, I wouldn't expect someone to come over to my house and pop balloons or squish fruit with her high heels free of charge, whether I was in the room or not. Maybe that would happen if we were at a fruit squishing convention and we were having a private party, but a house call? I think not, pasta man. I think not.

There's no moral to the story here, no grand statement. I'm not really ranting, I just thought this was funny and I'm enjoying getting back to posting, even if every post can't be super sexy and worthy of repeated reading or viewing. I guess, if I had to make a closing statement, it would be "Don't offer only a dollar for fetish services," but I'd be preaching to the choir. I'm lucky to have a fetish that has such a generous and friendly fanbase. I shudder to think if the subtitle on my blog was "writings on sitting in a bathtub full of noodles, ziti, elbow macaroni..."


  1. Thank you for this fresh and humorous description. What a pleasing way to start my afternoon...

  2. Hi Em! I'm happy it (hopefully) made you smile. I've never been one of the funny girls, though I've always secretly wished to be so. Most of the damn I'm just too dramatic! So it's nice to let loose the silly sometimes.

    For those who aren't making sense of the blog post title, it's a play on "What's that got to do with the price of tea in China?" It pretty much means, "What does that have to do with what we're talking about?" But even though a bathtub full of noodles has nothing to do with spanking, I still thought it would be fun to write about because of the fetish connotation.


  3. That's a funny typo on my part. Meant to write, "Most of the time I'm just too damn dramatic." But sometimes the word "time" does equal "damn." So it makes sense, in a subconscious sort of way?

  4. Instead of Naughty Abby you could be Noodle Abby!

    Ok I probably need more coffee...

  5. I wondered about the low rate of compensation too. But I wondered even more about the woman completing the noodle act strictly on her own. If a woman engages in noodling and nobody watches, is she still al dente?

    Then I wondered how many packages of noodles would be required and how the tub-filler planned on keeping them separated and slippery. Then I wondered what kind of sauce Ron would be putting on our spaghetti tonight.

    Hugs and have a great weekend!

  6. Lacoue, I am going to take into consideration signing my posts and comments "Noodle Abby" whenever I am feeling silly. That made me laugh out loud, and honestly, it's a better description of me than "naughty." As in, "She's lost her noodle, Abby." ;-)

    Hermione, by the time I read your al dente joke, I was in severe need of a pick-me-up, and that was perfect. I had LOL moments with both you and Lacoue today, and it's definitely made my day better. I hope Ron picked out something delicious for you to have tonight, whether it was pasta sauce or not. It's Friday night! Time for debauchery.

    Hugs to all,

  7. What about the "Please supply your own footwear"? Why do you think he feels he has to say that?

  8. Wow! This was the oddest blog post I've read tonight!

    I've been reading lots of the blogs that were honored in the Top 100 Sex Blogs from BetweenMySheets (congratulations to you, and I'm a fellow honoree), and although I'm not kinky, the idea of sitting in warm noodles sounds sort of nice.

    I hope the shoes are for avoiding slipping after getting out of the tub.

    Joan Price

    Author of Better Than I Ever Expected: Straight Talk about Sex After Sixty

    Join us -- we're talking about ageless sexuality at


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