Sunday, April 18, 2010


And.... not so much.

Let's begin with a description of the porn, ridiculous and available on Comcast "Worst Cable Monopoly Ever" On Demand though it may have been: "WEW presents "Nude Booty Beat Down". The Booties are poised and ready for a smack down! Hold on to your belts, paddles, and straps as WEW gets it going with "Nude Booty Beat Down". You don't want to miss one second of the totally nude totally uncensored action!"

Aren't you curious? And if you have a spare $9.99 that you probably aren't going to pay Comcast for three months anyway, isn't there a chance you might just, on a lazy Sunday morning, explore that curiosity? Well, stop right there my friends. If you have any respect for the vocabulary of not just spanking but erotica itself, you will go no further into this downward spiral of eyeball pain. No spanking pain, no sexy ladies in pain, just the pain of your eyes as you wonder why you didn't spend $9.99 on a Naughty Abby video (alright, I do own my own videos, so that wasn't an option for me) or any other fantastic creature who has experienced an actual spanking on film.

Vocabulary issue #1: If you are going to use the phrase "belts, paddles, and straps," you ought to make sure they appear in your film. If there is no belting, paddling, or strapping, you are better off watching an old WWF/WWE spanking match (see below).

Vocabulary issue #2: If you imply that it is the wrestlers who are nude, then the wrestlers should be nude. If it turns out that the wrestlers remain clothed the entire time, with barely a flash of panty to be seen, and the nudity comes in the form of intermissions that were filmed separately from the wrestling ring and feature young obviously-not-interested-in-pornography women who were probably hoping for a break into the business of modeling, then the description should note, "Fully clothed female wrestlers preceded by girls with belly-button rings on small badly designed sets who will make you cringe as they glance off camera for reassurance that they look sexy."

Vocabulary issue #3: Did you know that WEW stands for Women's Erotic Wrestling? No? I can see how you might not know, as there is no eroticism to be found in this travesty. I understand that some folks might have a fetish for women's wrestling, and that is fine and good, but to describe the entire league as "erotic" leaves much to be desired. There was nothing intentionally "erotic," as I understand the term, there was very little actual wrestling, and, I hate to say* it, but there were definitely a few characters who had me pondering whether there was any literal meaning to Women's Erotic Wrestling whatsoever.

Definitely save your dollars for your Internet pornography, as I am sure Mr. W and I will do in the future. We weren't so much disappointed, since we weren't expecting much, as we were completely baffled. Porn can be disgusting, boring, embarrassing, or arousing, but it should never be baffling. Baffling "porn" = porn FAIL.

(*Horrific typo on my part: accidentally had written "hate to see it," which sounds like I don't think transvestites and transsexuals are awesome and amazing human beings. I was just looking over my blog, realizing I'd written very little this year, and noticed this blaring error. I usually don't make spelling typos, I make word typos, and thus a similar word will get typed. This one was bad, though, because I didn't catch it in editing and the typo changes who I am and what I think. I'm really mad at myself at the moment for not noticing the word blunder. Please please please accept my apology if by any chance you saw the typo, were offended, but by some miracle found yourself back on my blog.)

The mainstream getting it right: