Sunday, October 21, 2007

To See or Not to See (A Whiny One-Eyed Blogger Moment)

Happy Halloween early, just in case.

Since beginning this blog, I've made an effort to tie my life events into spanking fodder, or at least, fodder for writing about spanking. But as I've written about lately, I've been having a harder and harder time of dealing with life, nevermind this thing we do. I can't remember the last time I had a real spanking. August, maybe? I can't remember the last time I felt I was really truly up for one. Nonetheless, one probably would have done me good.

Now I find myself in a situation that spanking cannot fix, or even aleve, and I am quite sad over this. For the first time this autumn, I am ready to be punished. I feel silly for having been such a bundle of nerves, for not having taking steps to deal with it long ago. Now that I am dealing with it, having seen a doctor, stopped drinking, and taken to going to the gym a few times a week, I am ready to put all the stress behind me--quite literally. But no punishment, not even a good caning, is going to beat the pressure out of my eye.

My eyes have always had high pressure readings. Doctors have always told me that I am in a high risk group for glaucoma. I've never worried about it, because the other women in my family have also had high pressure readings, but have never encountered problems. Lucky me, I get to be the first.

Two weeks ago, I woke up and had shooting pain in my left eye. I couldn't keep it open. Light, movement, everything made it hurt more. It excessively watered, literally blinding me with tears. I figured I'd scratched or abrased my cornea, and that it would heal. It didn't. Last Wednesday, the pain worsened. I began to feel that it hurt when I would blink. I spent half my work day with my hand over my eye. The same on Thursday. By Friday, I couldn't drive. My husband drove me to work. A co-worker drove me to my doctor in the afternoon.

He couldn't find anything wrong, although he witnessed the excessive watering and the light sensitivity, which he termed photophobia. Nothing was scratched, abrased, or trapped. My symptoms, he said, matched early glaucoma and optic neuritis, a condition that often indicates the onset of multiple sclerosis. He set me up with an emergency appointment with an opthamologist on Monday. I have spent all weekend wondering if I'm going to go blind. In otherwords, I have been terrified.

My husband has taken beautiful care of me. He kept his arms wrapped around me all of Friday night and Saturday, and he'll be with me when I get out of the doctor's tomorrow, so I'll have support no matter what the outcome.

I'm not sure why I'm writing about this. Just to calm myself, I suppose. Putting life into words always makes a situation less painful, whether that situation is a trip over the schooldesk or a trip to the hospital. Let's hope I'm back over that schooldesk again in no time.


  1. Abby,

    That's really troubling. Your concern is certainly understandable.

    On the positive side, I have a friend who has used eyedrops for glaucoma for twenty five years and he still has his sight. In any case, I hope the ophthalmologist makes a definitive diagnosis and it's something easily treatable.


  2. Eeek! Sorry to hear things have been so rough. I too hope your appointment tomorrow goes well and you're over that schooldesk again soon. It can be so disorienting when our bodies stop craving spanking and start hurting and doing all kinds of weird things. I truly hope it's a very temporary thing for you. But while you're going through it, it's nice to work it out via blogging. :-)

    Oh, and that pumpkin is wicked cool. :D

  3. The pumpkin is definitely neat-o!

    I hope the appointment goes well, and that there is a definitive diagnosis. I've had some vision things that were terrifying at the time (also things that pointed to MS as a cause, actually). Ultimately, they were resolved, but it was a terrifying couple of months while the doctors were trying to figure out the causes.

    I'm thinking of you, and hoping everything goes really well today.

  4. That sounds really scary. *hugs* and thinking of you, Abby.

    xx Dee

  5. Hi Abby,

    Just wanted to say: I'm thinking of you and am thinking good thoughts for you :-))



  6. I will be thinking of you too, Abby. Eye problems are always scary, although if caught early, glaucoma can be treated successfully.

    I have mild vitreous degeneration and the first time I saw those lights shooting past the corner of my eye, in the middle of the night, I was terrified. The subsequent exam was no picnic either but I am in no danger at present, although the emergency eye clinic number stays posted on the fridge.

    My thoughts and prayers are with you. Please keep us posted.



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